Hanging by a Thread

This was my college application essay, showing the most raw parts of me to strangers.  While that may seem absurd to you, I have learned in life this essential lesson: by being vulnerable, it shows a strength unlike any other in you.  It allows for people to connect easier, knowing they can be vulnerable too. Some parts were taken from my high school Valedictorian speech, but that does not mean they are any less real.  Every single word is from the heart.  Enjoy.

When you are hanging by a thread onto life, is it worth holding on? Pessimists would offer a defiant no. Optimists would chirp a yes with a heightened exclamation mark at the end. Meanwhile, realists would measure approximately how much tensile strength remains and make the most rational decision based on that. To be candid, the past me would probably say it is not even worth trying. The reason for that would be my greatest label.

High school is chock full of labels. There are labels which showcase your achievements (or display your lack thereof) in a particular area of life. Then, you have labels cast on you according to whom you surround yourself with. You have the brains, the jocks, the popular kids, the skaters, the misfits, etc. For me, I felt an array of labels throughout my life, such as the nerd, the dancer, the artist, the camp counselor, the idealist, and the wallflower. The greatest label that debilitated me was “depressed, anxious girl”. I let that label define, marginalize, and detach me from all I was or used to be.

I was originally diagnosed with situational depression in my freshman year of high school, but then it was determined I had clinical depression. Finally, my diagnosis was clarified and corrected in my junior year of high school as bipolar type II/bipolar depression and generalized anxiety disorder. As strange as it sounds, it was one of the most comforting things to know what I have, and that my diagnosis was finally correct. Throughout high school and beyond it, I have learned that I do have a mental illness, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone else. It is a part of me, but it is not me. I have resilience inside of me to make it through the dark and deep trenches of life. When it seems like I should just let go of that thread, I am reminded of the people whom I live for- my father, brothers, aunts, grandmother, cousins, uncles, and friends. I am reminded to continue and not to let go, for there is infinite hope.

I look forward to the future and its endless possibilities, knowing I can let go of whom people want me to be and become who I truly am called to be- a person of perseverance, determination, and optimism. I may fall back into ruts now and then, but in the grand scheme of things, those ruts are nothing compared to the beauty of life I will live knowing I am being honest with myself. Through trial and victory, I am me.  I am proud of being me and using my story to help others.  To the present and future me, I say I would hang onto that thread with all that I have. By hanging on, I can get the most out of this vibrant, technicolor life I was given.