My Letter to Andrew McMahon / My Story So Far

If anyone knows anything about me, they know how much Andrew McMahon has impacted and influenced me.  His song “Swim” was the source of inspiration for my blog and mental health awareness nonprofit name.  We refuse to sink so we swim on.  Here is a letter I wrote to him.

Dear Andrew McMahon,

I am here to tell you how much you have helped me in more ways than a thank you could ever suffice. The easiest place to begin with is my story.

Growing up, I had 7 family members and close family friends die including 3 of my grandparents, uncle, long time nanny, a family friend who was like a second grandmother to me, and my best friend’s dad. Two of those people mentioned above died from breast cancer, another from a rare form of uterine cancer, and another from multiple myeloma. Watching your documentary Dear Jack resonated with me so incredibly much. I had seen so many people close to me battle with cancer. Your story gave me hope. Then as I got into middle school, things really started to turn south for me. I was bullied by the girls on my basketball team, and my mother started to emotionally and verbally abuse me. Along with that, she started to have an affair with a man. As I reached high school, it became very bleak. My mother officially walked out of my life on January 3rd of my freshman year of high school. Then, as high school progressed, my depression and anxiety started to get worse and worse. Throughout high school, I was diagnosed first with situational depression then clinical depression/major depressive disorder then chronic depression for a short time and lastly bipolar depression (also referred as bipolar type 2). Alongside that, I had always had general anxiety disorder. It got to the point that in my junior year of high school, I attempted two suicide attempts. Luckily, I was saved by none other than God. I went to a mental health hospital on two separate occasions staying for two weeks each and then doing an intensive outpatient program of group therapy for three months following. My father has been raising me for the past four years by himself while my two brothers have been away at college. He is my all time hero. I bet your daughter Cecilia feels that way about you. Music and my father have been the constants in my life. Music is what I can fall back on when I do not know where to turn.

Now, what is the reason behind me telling you all of this personal information? It was because of your song “Swim” being one of the most influential and steady things in my life. It has literally saved me life on so many occasions. I have always described my depression as drowning while everyone around me is breathing. The lyrics “I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun. Choking on saltwater. But I’m not giving in, I swim” have become what I tell myself when I start to fall back into a depressive rut. The words in the song “Swim” became my anthem for overcoming and persevering. You showed me what it genuinely means to be resilient. I saw it through your documentary, your music, and lyrics. “Hammers and Strings” is another song that has helped me tremendously. More specifically, it is these song lyrics:
“And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, ‘Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I’m not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?'”
They are words I am able to relate with.
Synesthesia, Dark Blue, Rainy Girl, and I Woke Up in a Car are some of the many other songs that have helped me tremendously. I have seen you twice in concert, once at Emo’s in Austin in 2015 and this past October at the ACL Music Festival (2017).

By your song “Swim”, it has allowed me to figure out what I want to do with my life in terms of a profession. I am currently taking a gap year, but I am applying to schools out of my state (Texas). I am planning on creating my own global nonprofit related to mental health awareness, advocacy, and help. I am in the works of creating a blog called refusaltosink.com. This name- refusal to sink- is based off your song “Swim”. Rather than letting myself drown and giving in, I am going to swim with all that I have. It is by your song that I found out what I wanted to do with my life, how I want to help others, and the source of inspiration for my nonprofit. I want others to know that they will survive and ultimately overcome. They will not give in. Rather, they will swim despite the odds faced at them.

You have been a huge source of inspiration and influence to me by your story, music, and Dear Jack Foundation. Without your music, I would not be where I am today. Truly, thank you. All the best.

Sincerely,
Bethany Cohen