To the Boy I Once Knew:

A multitude of factors affect your mental health.  One of the greatest factors is a relationship.  This letter displays how my high school relationship has shaped and affected me in my own life.  Hopefully, one of you will be able to relate and realize what you deserve– all the best.

To the Boy I Once Knew:

I just wanted to say a couple of things that I never got a chance to say.  I am so thankful for the end of the relationship since it made me realize what I truly deserve in a relationship.  Just like most high school relationships, it was fleeting and altogether temporary.  Who you came to be the senior year of high school was a stranger to me, someone I could not believe I ever had a relationship with.  At the same time, I grew more than ever my summers before and after my senior year along with my senior year.  I realized that I needed to put my whole worth in my God than just some boy.  That was my favorite year of high school because I gave a fuck about the things that truly mattered- family, friends you can rely on, the little things in life, strangers who do random acts of kindness, selflessness, vulnerability, gratitude, compassion, empathy, and most importantly- God.  All the other things I did not give a single fuck about for they were the wrong things to give a fuck about since they were self-sabotaging, set me up for failure, and shitty values.  I know that I am at fault for many things that went wrong in our relationship, but so are you.  It was a two way street.  As humans, we naturally have our faults and cracks.  We are ultimately imperfect.  I was too dependent on you to make my happiness when I understand now that the only person that can truly make me joyous is myself.  Happiness is fleeting, but joy is an all encompassing sense of content and purity.  I should never depend on another for that.  I had to learn that the hard way, but it is one of the greatest lessons I have ever learned in my life.  Honestly, thank you for that.  I understand that we all make mistakes, and as it went, our relationship became unhealthy and unbalanced.  I was caught up in this fake love.  It was all “puppy love”, but never an authentic, abiding, all overwhelming love.  I now realize what I do and do not want in my partner.  I am a whole, rather than a half.  My partner should complement me but not complete me.  Because of what you and those around you said about me, I felt like I was worthless and not good enough for you just because I had depression.  I felt ashamed for so long with that, but I never should have in the first place.  I did not realize I did not value myself and who I was as a person.  I felt less than you, which is in no place right.  I am never again going to apologize for being a person who has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  It is a part of me, but not me.  I do not think you ever realized that.  What others do and say to me are out of my control, but how I respond to those actions are my responsibility.  While I was fighting to make it work, you never fought.  I want someone who will fight for me no matter what– someone who will see my cracks and bruises and find them beautiful, someone who will be there for me all along, someone who wholeheartedly sees me for me and loves me in a real, messy way.  Nonetheless, I am not regretful for the relationship and what it brought out of it because if I had never been in it, I would have never learned the lessons I did through and after it.  You are meant for someone out there, just not me.

Thank you for everything,

Bethany