The Act of Self-Companionship

You may be asking yourself “What in the world does self-companionship mean? Isn’t that a contradiction in itself?” These are all natural questions that are supposed to be running through your head. If they aren’t, you obviously didn’t give much effort or thought into reading this post because you’re daydreaming, have too many stresses to worry about, or don’t even care. If that is the case, pull it together people! You’ve got a post to read! Back to what I was saying, when we think of companionship we think of another person being involved. According to Vocabulary.com, companionship is defined as “when you feel a sense of closeness being with another person.” While it is definitely nice to feel close to another individual, I think it is even nicer when you are close to yourself. In the world we live in, the media, music, and magazines constantly push for you to be with someone. If not, you are automatically assumed to be a miserable, lonely mess. Believe me, I do not stand by that one bit. I believe that in order to be close with someone else, you first need to be close with yourself. You need to be okay with being single and not having a significant other. You need to be okay with not talking to a family member every day or two. You need to be okay with not texting your friends every 5 seconds out of the day. I think we all need to step back for a moment and reevaluate ourselves. Are we okay with ourselves? Are we okay being our own companion? The truth is, that’s what is going to happen majority of the time. You are going to be by yourself more than you are going to be with another person. If you don’t get used to being by yourself and accepting that, you’re going to go mad. You will try to fill your life up with empty sources and horrible coping skills— alcohol, drugs, meaningless relationships, impulsive spending, and all sorts of wrongs just because you are so afraid to truly be with yourself in the same room doing nothing. God does not want that at all. Rather, the silence you feel in life is a good time to give it over to God. Just you and your thoughts is a valuable, valuable thing. It should not be taken for granted. The time of silence should be seen as a time of reflection.

For so long, I would attempt to run away from the reflection that I saw as silence. I would rather fill my time up doing something productive than wasting it. I would talk to people when I didn’t genuinely care about what we were talking about and what the other person was saying. I would go shop and buy things I would only wear once and then throw into my closet somewhere for the rest of time just to not feel so alone. What I didn’t realize is that the time I could’ve had understanding my thoughts would’ve been much more valuable than doing tasks halfway just to get rid of the silence. I needed to analyze my thoughts and figure out the truth behind my motives. Why did I act this way? Why did I say that? What did I do those things for? Were they right or wrong? Why did I want to do those things? Why did I need to do those things? Once we start to question ourselves, we start to discover who we are as a person and what we want in life. Therefore, this whole push to be in the company of someone else constantly is a facade. You aren’t going to be able to be with someone 24/7 unless they are literally attached at the hip to you. If that is the case, I would see about getting that changed because that seems altogether exhausting. You may think this is the natural introvert in me speaking, but I seriously urge you to try take time with just yourself. You will end up learning a piece about yourself that you never knew or attempted to neglect.

A prime example of mine is when I was in the mental health hospital this past September. If I hadn’t been in a place where they practically force you to journal, meditate, and write S.M.A.R.T. goals for yourself, then I would’ve never even made this blog in the first place. At the hospital, I learned essential things about myself. I was finally honest with myself about what I wanted to do and accomplish in my life. I did not want to go to Baylor like my brothers. I did not want to even stay in the state for college. I did not want to be a speech-language pathologist which is what I thought I wanted to be since the 7th grade. I realized I would like being a speech-language pathologist, but I wouldn’t love it. To the dreamer in me, I knew I had to do something that was filled with passion. The mental health awareness nonprofits like Project Semicolon and To Write Love on Her Arms have impacted me in more ways than I can fathom. They have encouraged me when I wasn’t sure I could go on. They have been the one thing I held onto when I wasn’t sure I could make it to the next day. To create my own nonprofit was my dream job so to speak. My generation is preached that in order to be successful and happy in life you must go to college and then get a job that makes a lot of money. It’s as simple as that. It’s certainly not as simple as that for me. You see, I am unconventional. I have never taken the conventional path of life. I mean taking a gap year is practically unheard of in the area of Texas I am from. Yes, you hear of it, but you think of people abroad like in England doing it. A gap year has yet to become a common method integrated into the American society. People do not understand that a gap year is essentially a break. It does not mean that I am never going to go to college. It is simply a break between high school and college. I mean for crying out loud, Malia Obama took a gap year! Get with the times, America. Plus if I hadn’t taken this gap year, I wouldn’t have gotten to do the things I have, such as traveling to Big Bend and Marfa with my Aunt Lala, taking an epic road trip through all of California to Oregon and Washington, celebrating a Buddhist Lantern Festival where I danced with a bunch of Laos and Thai people I just met, teaching myself how to cook, listening to podcasts and not being bored by them.

Next to the gap year thing, going to college to ultimately create your own mental health awareness nonprofit is unconventional as well. It does not fit into a certain major. Rather, I’m figuring out a combination of majors and minors that will attempt to help me in what I want to do. I don’t want to fit into a box and be told what to do. I don’t want to make a lot of money at a job I hate. Instead, I would rather live in a tiny apartment in a big city making ends meet doing a job I absolutely love than work at a desk job regretting the path I had chosen. Yes, what you can do with money is nice, but what you can do with passion is life. It is what makes your life full and grand. Without the reflection I was forced to have at my stay at the mental health hospital, I wouldn’t have come to the realization I have today. I wouldn’t be chasing after my dreams which I believe can come a reality. I wouldn’t be learning new things where I wasn’t afraid to try them! I wouldn’t be open to new possibilities. I wouldn’t learn to appreciate other people’s perspectives even more.

So looking back, I’m glad I took the unconventional path. God guided me in a path that I was reluctant to take at first, but has proven to be the most rewarding one. While I have had people with me along the way to support and encourage me, I have ultimately taken it on my own. So the lesson, kids, is that you shouldn’t be afraid to be your own best companion because you’ll end up learning more about yourself through yourself than anyone else could’ve taught you. Be independent. Go on The Road Not Taken as Robert Frost would say.