Ring, Ring, Answer Your Call

Answering Your Calling

I believe we all have a calling in life. Whether we figure it out early or late in life, we still have one. For me, a calling is God’s way of saying “Hey, this is what I put you here on earth for. Everyone wants to know their purpose for being created. Well, here is yours.” We can choose to answer our calling or simply disregard it. You may receive your calling from God, the universe, a spirit, a force of nature, whatever or whomever. Nonetheless, it is a calling of purpose. I sincerely believe my calling is this nonprofit. I want this nonprofit to be one where I can openly express not only my mental health experiences and thoughts but also my faith. I want this nonprofit to allow others to do that too. I want it to open a space where they can share their own personal story or testimony. Their own struggles and victories.

Now Bethany, how did you figure out this was your calling? Well first off, it took me a while…quite a while, actually. You see, I thought I was going to be a speech-language pathologist since the 7th grade. Why? I love working with children and helping others. I went to Baylor believing I could force myself to love going there, even if I knew deep down that I wanted something different. Don’t get me wrong. Baylor University is a great college with truly nice people. It just wasn’t the right fit for me. Anyways, I was there for a week and a half trying my best to remove this unsettling feeling from my heart. I’m the type of person who follows my heart than my mind. So, of course, I knew deep down with this gut feeling I had that Baylor wasn’t where I was meant to be. I was sitting in my SLP class realizing that it just didn’t feel right. So, this led me to have my breakdown/panic attack/major freak out/loosing my marbles/you get the point. I went home, and thing went downhill. The shit storm arose and encapsulated me. I feel back into one of the deepest depressive ruts ever. I hadn’t gone this deep in quite a while (not since Junior year of high school). My cycle would go like this: sleep, sleep, cry, feel numb, sleep, feel empty, stare at a blank wall, sleep, sleep, sleep, cry, and sleep some more. I wouldn’t shower unless my dad turned on the shower and forced me to get out of bed. I never combed my hair or brushed my teeth. I wouldn’t eat because I thought I was as fat as a hippo. I would cry and cry until I had nothing left in me. Then I’d get so exhausted from crying that I would just sit, stare, and feel empty. All I would do is lay in bed. It got to the point that I slept 26 hours straight one day. Not the healthiest thing, but I did it. All common sense went out the window with my hope. I had lost everything.

My dad was trying everything he could to help me, but it was so hard on him I could see it was tearing him apart. I couldn’t dig myself out of this hole. It was like someone had covered the hole while I was still in it and forgot about me entirely. He brought me to my psychiatrist and a new therapist. My psychiatrist wanted me to go back to the mental health hospital, but I didn’t want to. So, she tried switching up my medication. The medication she put me on made me a zombie (one of the lovely possible side effects). Some side effects I’ve experienced due to medication over the years are zombie-like, crazy suicidal thoughts, beyond vivid nightmares, too much eating, loss of appetite, impulsive as heck, etc. Plus, don’t even get me started on how many blood tests I had to take because of them. I counted this the other day with my dad, and I have been through 12 different types of medication over the past 5 years. The reason why was because a combination of medicine would work for a time, but then it would just suddenly stop working. So, we had to try a new set of medication. It was like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blind. My psychiatrist and I were trying to make this work, not knowing how my mind would react to each medication. It was a trial and error over and over again through the years. Back to what I was saying. I then went to this new therapist, and she also recommended I go to the hospital. So, I go with my dad, and they, of course, want me to be checked in.

Since you have a crazy amount of time to think and contemplate because you are locked up in your wing with the other “mental wellness” patients all the time, I started to think and be honest with myself. I’m talking like raw honesty. I realized I wanted to go out of state and try to study both speech-language pathology as well as learn to create my own mental health nonprofit. I told my dad, and he being rockstar of a dad fully supported me in this decision. Telling him was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, yet it turned out to be one of the best moments too. Once I got out and started researching colleges, I started to think more and more. I had applied to all of the colleges and was thinking about my aspirations of becoming both a SLP and a nonprofit creator and owner.

Then, my dad and I went to eat at Jason’s Deli one night. I told him that I was struggling about what I should go to college for. You see, I knew doing both would be way too much, and if I really wanted to make this nonprofit I had to go all in. I thought it would be unwise to do that since it would be super risky. If I did this nonprofit, I wouldn’t have a safety net to fall back on…meaning another job so to speak. Then, I realized I’m not afraid of taking risks. I can do this if I put my mind to it because I have drive, passion, am willing to dedicate all that I have, and love behind it. Therefore, through all of this mess, I realized that it wasn’t so messy anymore. I was and am going to do this despite what others think. That moment at Jason’s Deli was when I found my true calling. If you read that over again it sounds ridiculous, but God can work and speak to you in the strangest of places.

The basis of what I’m getting at is, don’t be afraid to answer your own calling.

Be honest with yourself if something is tugging at your heart. It may be extremely hard, but it will be worth it in the end because you are following your heart.