Meditation > Worry

Getting up at 4:03 in the morning to hop onto a plane to San Francisco for 2 days really gives me that tired, morning headache. At the same time, it leaves me to think (probably not clearly, but still think). For me, I sit in worry all the time.

I worry if I’m good enough. If I’m good at anything or for anyone. Or even to be a person. I worry if I’ll make friends in college or if I’ll get too homesick or if my grades will plummet because I forgot how to study during my gap year or I will do the exact same thing I did in high school where I studied all day without ceasing.

I worry about why my mom left me and how all of the sudden she has this whole new life with her new-ish husband and a big, new house with all this money to galavant around the world to places like Argentina, Uruguay, and the Philippines. I worry that he (the same guy who is my mom’s husband and the same guy my mom cheated on my dad with) is starting to fill up my mom’s life that I can’t even squeeze in anymore to fit. I will soon be erased entirely. I worry that she really did choose him over us. P.s. I call that guy he/him because if I give him a name that means he’ll have power…& even more power than he already has. That means I have to acknowledge that he exists and he is the one who warped my mom’s mind into believing that he was better and more than any of what my brothers, dad, and me could offer or be. He claims to be a “great man of the church” yet had an affair with my mom while she was still married. My mom even said he broke up with her in the first place because she was Oriental and he didn’t want to have Asian kids. (Side note: he was also her ex-boyfriend before she dated and married my dad, but she ended up going back to him for a reason unknown to me.) I don’t understand my mom at all. I try often to think about why she did the things she did, made the choices she made, or said the words she said. I try to see it from her perspective, but it’s so hard when you are dealt with such high emotions and hurt. She changed after her parents/my grandparents in the Philippines both died when I was in 8th grade. She was never the same.

I worry that I’m too messed up from all that my mom has done to me. Too messed up to be loved or to love. Too messed up to sometimes even believe in the concept of love. Because my parents now fall into that statistic of 40-50% of married couples in America ending in divorce. Why get involved with someone in the first place if it’s all just going to crumble to pieces? What’s the point? It’s not going to last. It’s going to wither and die out like a flower that was picked. It may start out in full bloom but soon it will die. Love is supposed to be this all consuming, all guiding, overflowing, overwhelming thing that people fall headfirst into. It’s supposed to be the greatest force of nature in this world, yet is it possible for such a thing to not only exist but truly last? I want to experience a true love, yet all these things point that it’s an impossible wish and desire to truly grasp hold of. I’m worried that letting people in to know the real me will end in a complete disaster. They will see that I have too many scars to ever be mended. They will see that I am a whole set of problems and say that they just can’t handle it all. I worry that all they will see are my struggles and baggage and mental illnesses and broken relationships and say “I’m out!”

I also worry that I won’t have enough money for college because while my parents are both doctors, my dad is the one who supports me financially and all together if I’m being honest. My mom hardly helps me pay for anything these days. And I’m not saying that she technically needs to because I know I’m privileged and really blessed in a lot of areas of my life, but it definitely would be nice especially since she has two incomes coming in while my dad only has one. I worry that my job isn’t making enough money and that it’s pretty much useless in regards of trying to help my dad out financially. What if I can’t keep up my grades to keep my merit scholarship? It’s weird. I’ve never worried that I couldn’t study correctly or adequately, but ever since I had that major panic attack at Baylor and since I’ve been out of school for a year it makes me question if I still have those capabilities and that drive. I know I’m a hard worker, but what if that motivation doesn’t come back like they say it will? It is proven that students who take gap years come back to school feeling more responsible, aware, mature, and motivated when it comes to school and life in general. But what if I’m that exception?

What if all that I believe in no longer applies? I’m not going to lie. These days I am starting to feel less attached to God. Less belief in the existence of Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit and that there really is someone who knows what my whole map of life looks like and He is guiding me towards a positive direction in my life. Is there hope present in such a dark world where rape, domestic violence and abuse, human trafficking, addiction, cheating, betrayal, lying, and suffering exist at large? What if I can’t help others or even anyone? What I can’t accomplish my dream? What if I spend all these years chasing after a dream that never happens? A dream that I created in the figment of my imagination and society says it just won’t work.

All these thoughts seem to swirl in my head at one time. One after another, never pausing for a moment. By all means, I don’t intend for this to come across as a grand complaint or make me seem like a victim or a bitter person. I just want to show a subcategory of what my anxiety looks like on a day to day basis. I don’t mean to overwhelm you with my thoughts. At the end of the day, I need to stop worrying about all the worrying and just be. Exist and appreciate and smile and live because despite the constant bombardment of thoughts running through my head, I also have good thoughts too. And those good ones far outweigh the bad. Sometimes I just need to let my mind breathe.

One way I can do that is by mediation. I know what you’re thinking! Meditation? Really, Bethany? That’s all la di da and what the hippies do. The hippies who are vegan and reject the norms that society has placed on us and say they had a time in their life where they experienced their “nomadic years”. But seriously, it has been proven to work. And I can say from personal experience and being a skeptic at first that once I truly tried it, it worked. I felt more at ease. I was able to focus and celebrate the moment. See how my body was feeling- each and every part from my toes to my eyebrows. I was able to breathe simply and beautifully. It caused a rush of peace over me. Those thoughts that seemed unmanageable soon seemed like they were nothing. That I can karate chop them in half. And do a damn well of a karate chop. Just saying. You can meditate in various ways, places, and times. It can be short or long, such as 5 minutes to an hour. Sometimes when life gets overwhelming, you just need to pause, reflect, and say “Calm down, girl. You got this. Focus on the present and take it one step at a time.” I use meditation techniques and practices to help with anxiety, sleep because the insomnia is real, and clarity. I have used guided meditations on YouTube. I have used a sound machine that gives off the sound of rain, the ocean, or a waterfall. I have used calming music as well as classical music. I have used my own deep breathing. I have also used podcasts with meditation talk throughs as well as yoga. You can use a simple act as brushing your teeth or washing your hands as a meditation practice. As you can see, there are a variety of options to choose from. You just have to find what works for you. I really advise you to give it a honest try. Remember, I was a skeptic at first too. But the results can be magic though. I’ll leave some resources below that you can use to try out a meditation. At first, I had to have an instructor or therapist or yoga teacher help me out, but nowadays I can do it all by myself in the ways I talked about above. Let your mind rest and your thoughts breathe. Remember to live in the moment because that is what we are given. All those negative thoughts may seem like you can’t believe in the good anymore. There is still good and hope and life. You just have to pause and try your utmost best to live each step looking toward the sky to where God (who may not always seem there but nonetheless is) is pointing you in the right direction. Sometimes you’ll just have to listen a little harder, breathe a little deeper, and hope a little stronger. Have a blessed day. Peace and good fortune. P.s. Maybe becoming a hippie wouldn’t be so bad?? Food for thought.

A couple of Mediation Resources:

1. The app Calm

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/calm/id571800810?mt=8

1. The Honest Guys Channel on YouTube

https://youtu.be/i50ZAs7v9es

https://youtu.be/oJjc4XreJSQ

3. Jason Stephenson Channel on YouTube

https://youtu.be/GA4H3Esr3V4

4. Yoga and Meditation Playlist on Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX9uKNf5jGX6m?si=4–e1rW7TEe3QL5IH0fHpw

5. Peaceful Playlist on Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DWZqd5JICZI0u?si=hBm5kV4-SeO37aZNHfM6Sw