Undecided Beth

Undecided Beth

10/1/18

          I’m a mess. An undecided mess. But that’s okay.  We all are. I’m afraid of failing, which is so funny and ironic since it’s an inevitable part of being human.  We are going to fail SO MANY times throughout our lives. I know this lesson and truth, but I’m still trying to really understand it.  

          So, I left San Francisco week 4 of school.  I left because I felt overwhelmed. I knew the failure was coming so I ran away from it, or at least I tried to.  I packed up my bags and left. The thing is I can’t do that forever in life. I have already done it too many times, and it has left me feeling worse than better.  I ran away from high school, from Baylor, from camp. When things get scary, I just get up and attempt to leave it all behind. Staying your ground and being okay with that failure is a part of growing up.  There are so many things I have yet to learn in order to grow up. I feel so behind in so many ways in life. My friends my age are already college sophomores. I am behind even further now. I already was by taking a gap year last year, but now I am behind again by taking a leave of absence this semester.  The thing was at Baylor I didn’t feel like it was where I was meant to be. At camp, I didn’t feel like these were the people I once knew and the place I once loved anymore. At the University of San Francisco though, I loved it. I loved my new friends, new city, new campus, new possibilities, new adventures yet to explore.  Yet as things started to get hard, I ran away yet again. This is where the growing up needs to happen. I can’t just ran away to where it feels comfortable because then progress never happens. My dad always says, “Life is hard. You are not always going to do what you want, but you can do it. You just have to punch back.”

          With school, I have always struggled with being a perfectionist.  With putting an unrealistic amount of pressure on myself to be the top of the class, to be the absolute best, to not make a mistake because if I made a mistake then I was a mistake.  All of this pressure I put on myself to have it all together 24/7 starts to debilitate me and I crumble. I wanted to already be an adult who has her shit together. One who already is successful with her career, living life with a great friend group who gets brunch on Saturdays, pays her bills on time, and has a dog that everyone who walks by him can’t resist petting.  You can’t be an adult, Bethany, if you don’t even try, live, and learn. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of so many things and the world can be so scary sometimes, but I want to work on changing that- even a little. I think one thing that is a con of mine is that I can oftentimes live in a world of unrealistic expectations. It all seems like a romantic fantasy in my head, but when it starts to happen in real life, I freak out.  My human instinct of fight or flight kicks in. As you can tell, I usually go with flight. I want to learn how to grow up, and I’m beginning to understand now that the only way to do so is by trial and error. I can’t let others always do it for me like my dad. I have to start doing it myself eventually. I can do it. Maybe after several or many, many times of trying and failing. But I will do it.  I have to reprogram my mind into thinking good about myself and the power I have within me.  

          I see all these people around me, and I tell myself that their lives are perfect and they are doing it all right- “according to society.”  The truth is they are all just stumbling their way through life like me. We are all just trying to figure it out throughout life. Another example of an unrealistic lifestyle lie I tell myself.  When I got home, I continued to sit in my rut of depression, anxiety, and the feeling of worthlessness. I have been depressed for the past two weeks. I am now on week 3, which is the week I am going to start throwing the curveball (as if I haven’t already thrown tons of them).  But this time, it is going to be a positive curveball. An out of the park, fireworks shooting into the sky, crowd cheering on their feet, home run of home runs curveball. Life is made of up failures, but it starts to really count when you choose what to do with those failures and how you choose to life your life after they happen.  

          Some things I need to fix/try to fix.  Loving myself is a big one along with growing up.  My grandma asked me, “Do you like yourself, Bethany?”  My reply was, “Sometimes.” While that is progress from what it used to be, it still can be and needs to be improved.  

Some of the many things I struggle with:

1. 1. Feeling beautiful

1. 1. Growing up

1. 1. Loving myself

1. 1. Realizing I’m human

1. 1. Forgiving myself

1. 1. Being honest about even the bad/“could be better” parts about me

1. Fighting my mind and the natural instinct it tells me to do

          One things I want to tackle today is beauty.  Everyone says that everyone is beautiful. And that’s because they are.  I just have a hard time seeing it in myself. One of the reasons is because of past experiences as well as who I am surrounded by.  I know I’m beautiful but not in the way the boys like. Not in the way that it seems like every other girl around me is. Not in the way that society considers the norm of “beautiful.”  I am not a white (Caucasian to be politically correct), long-haired blonde or brunette, (usually sorority), skinny girl. I know that is even stereotyping, but that is also what I am heavily surrounded by in Texas and even in America for that matter.  The boys I like never look at me the way they look at my friends who fit that mold or the other girls who are like that. It’s sad but so true that our outsides do often matter to guys- what we wear and look like. On more occasions than one has a guy I liked be interested in one of my close friends.  It sucks, but then I have to remind myself that we were not meant to be since if he can’t see myself for who I am then he’s not the one for me. BUT, I should be glad for my friend because we need more and more of women supporting women!!!! Plus, I need to start realizing each woman is beautiful in a way that no one else is.  The same goes for men too. Here is another example of where I struggled with feeling beautiful: At the camp I work at, there was this other girl and me. We both had dark brown hair and tan skin. SO MANY PEOPLE got us MIXED UP just because of that. Our facial features were not the same at all along with our hair lengths. She had super long, beautiful hair.  I had just below the shoulder length hair. She was Native American, and I am half Filipinx. There is a difference. I think that was the first time I had ever really realized I was a minority. At my camp, it consists of predominantly white people like 94%. It’s just the truth of the matter. I mean I am half Filipinx, half Caucasian. People don’t identify me as Caucasian ever.  I am always a “What are you?” or “Where are you from?” or “You are exotic looking” or Mexican, Spanish, etc. My dad says it is because some people are uneducated about diversity since it is not really represented in Texas, especially where I live. In San Francisco though, I realized there is so much diversity out there. So many people of all kinds from all walks of life. I may not be what a lot of guys like, but I am learning that I will be just what the one guy likes.  That’s okay because he will realize and see me for me. I just have to keep waiting. I know and truly believe he will show up one day when the time is right and “the stars align” haha.  In the meantime, I am working on myself- loving, appreciating, and valuing myself for who I am.

I wrote this little spiel way back in 11th grade about the ideals of beauty:

“Watching television, looking on social media, and seeing advertisements, I regularly see these unattainable, unrealistic images of people projected at me.  This became the ideal of beauty to me since this was what our society surrounding me was enforcing. The feminine beauty ideal is said to be “the socially constructed notion that physical attractiveness is one of women’s most important assets, and something all women should strive to achieve and maintain.”  When did our culture start to tell us that we should mold ourselves into looking a certain way? Why can we not be satisfied with our individual appearance? Why must we STRIVE to look in accordance with others? This ideal of beauty is unrealistic and has been for centuries. One study reports that at age thirteen, 53% of American girls are “unhappy with their bodies.” This grows to 78% by the time girls reach seventeen.  People, including myself, fall short of our self-worth and often make comparison statements like “I wish I looked as pretty as that girl” or “If only I was skinnier like that model in that magazine, I might be considered beautiful”. Theodore Roosevelt was altogether true when he said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” We, as humans, constantly miss the mark in recognizing our own beauty. The beauty that lies within ourselves.  I’m tired of striving to meet the ideals of beauty when God has called me beautiful. Rather, I want to strive to be 100% me. The person God has created me to be. I’m not your ideal beauty, and I am okay with that. Honestly, I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be confined to a box, told to fit within the four walls that our society seems to cram us into, and look a certain way. I love who I am inside and out, and that I think is the moral of the story.”

          I don’t know where I’ll end up.  Maybe I’ll end up going back to San Francisco, but maybe I won’t.  If I do, I think I may just change my major to undecided. Because that comforts me.  I think the beauty lies in the unknown. It at least relieves me of some stress for now.  Not having to put so much pressure on what I should be doing in comparison to everyone else because everyone else is doing their own thing too.

          To sum it up, I have a lot to work on.  That’s okay. I can’t get it all done in one day either.  But I can at least start today. Here is my piece of advice I want to leave you with: I’m messed up, but so is everyone. Just rebuild yourself and start somewhere.  

Things I want to learn to do in order to grow up before I go back to San Francisco:

1. 1. Pay bills- start with one or two

1. 1. Cook (and bake!)– start off easy

1. 1. Learn to love myself– that’s the hardest one

1. 1. Become aware and educated on current events

1. 1. Wake up early– it’s good for you, dude!!

1. 1. Balance & learn good study habits

1. 1. Open and good communication

1. 1. Don’t give in to peer pressure– Remind yourself: “You are good. You have a good heart.” – Grandma

1. 1. Apologize

1. 1. Fail and get up.

1. 1. Become happier– start by reading “Happier”, finding a therapist, talking

1. Find God again

Love always,

       Undecided Beth