“You Belong” -a blog post by Griffen Harbolt
Here is a blog post that my dear friend Griffen Harbolt wrote for Refusal to Sink. I met him through my summer camp Lutherhill two summers ago because we worked on staff together. Lutherhill forever holds a special place in my heart since it is my second home- my home away from home. I started attending when I was one and a half years old, and I have not missed a summer yet. This was my third summer working on staff and Griffen’s second. It is so cool that I got to meet him through such a special place to me and all that go there. Let me tell you a little bit more about Griffen. He is passionate to say the least. He is passionate about all things sports, music, helping others with their faith and struggles, and so much more! He is genuine, kind, funny, and inspiring. He is a strong believer in Refusal to Sink. People like him are the reason I can do Refusal to Sink and believe in myself and what I am doing with this platform. Now sit back and enjoy his vulnerable, honest, and raw blog post:
“You Belong” – a blog post by Griffen Harbolt
Hello Everyone,
As we move past September and move on to Halloween festivities in October, I can’t help but reflect over what has occurred this past September. These were many things that I’ve founded positive in September, such as the NFL Sunday kickoff for the 2018 season; the season premiere of SNL; the 11th anniversary of my church; my 21st birthday; and much more. However, despite the joys that had occurred, I couldn’t help but reflect of what the month of September represents. The month represents National Suicide Prevention, and National Suicide Prevention day is on September 10th. September has been very significant for me because I almost died this past year. I’m here to share my story, and as I share my story, I hope it inspires you to not only help others in need, but also know that being vulnerable is okay.
To have a better grasp and understanding of my story, there are a couple things that I want to share with you. For starters, I have autism, and on the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) scale, I’m identified as high-functioning. In other words, I can process and think just fine, but I have difficulties reading human expression and emotion. As an autistic individual, I am also more likely to be diagnosed with depression, in which I am. I’ve been clinically depressed for four years, but it worsened in the fall semester of 2017. Before the fall semester started, I just finished my freshman year at Texas Lutheran University, and as well as finishing my second year on staff during the summer for a Lutheran Camp, I was anticipating going back to TLU, but I didn’t go back. I couldn’t afford to do so. I couldn’t go back to research my passion, or to go more in depth. Not only did I lose the opportunity to learn and grow at TLU, but I’ve lost my friendships there as well.
I tied myself to TLU, and the friendships I’ve made there. I didn’t view myself as of value, and I thought that I was only of value to the school, and what friends think of me. Thinking myself like this was one of the factors that worsened my depression. It got to a point around Christmas time where I started to plan how I would end my life.
At this point, I knew that I needed help, but I didn’t know how I was going to break the news, but I end up doing so anyway. I told my pastor, then someone who I loved dearly, and because I don’t want to reveal her name, I’m calling her Star. Star impacted my life in a significant way, and I’ll mention her later. Both Star and my pastor suggested that I should tell my parents. I told my parents and doing so I was admitted to the UT Harris County Psychiatric Hospital on January 28th, 2018.
I returned home after spending five days in the psychiatric hospital. This was a last chance effort to save myself, and I’m glad that I did. This was by far the second most difficult thing that I’ve done, and the difficult part was not spending time in the hospital, but rather, looking at myself in the mirror, and telling myself that I matter. The most difficult thing that I’m currently going through is telling myself that I am of value.
Let me elaborate. Remember when I mentioned Star? Well, throughout this past year, my friendship with Star is not what it used to be. It used to be fun, caring, open, and trust. However, now it’s mostly just anger and uncertainty towards each other, and I’m doing my best to fix it, and I blame myself for it. What lead to this was her not being honest at first, because I was still trying to figure out how to deal with my depression, she ended up telling me that there was a possibility, but in reality, she didn’t feel the same way as I felt about her. What also lead to our uncertain friendship was that I made her my only hope for a brighter future, and I still hope that I can fix our friendship.
Speaking of future, I feel called to be an Ordained Pastor for the ELCA. I want to be an amazing husband, and father of four beautiful children. Yes, I do want four kids. However, I need to remind myself that I am not only good for one thing, or that I am only valued to one thing, or defined by one thing. I need to remind myself that I am wanted, needed, loved, and valued.
I am here to share my story, and I hope that it not only inspires you to help others, but also know that being vulnerable is okay. I’m telling my story because there was something I’ve learned along the way. As I’ve learned by reflecting on my story, I am not defined by one thing. If I don’t become a father, or a husband, or a pastor, it does not mean that I am worthless to anyone. I am not defined by my goals, my depression, and my autism. These are only what helps make me who I am, but I am not defined by it.
I belong, and so do you. You and I don’t need to change who we are to fit in with a crowd. You and I belong in this world. All of us are valued, needed, wanted, and loved by others, our family, loved ones, and by our beloved and loving God. I am not defined by my depression. It’s just part of my story. I am not defined by my goals, or my demons, or if I am liked. Nothing defines me, but rather, I am of value to others and myself. I shouldn’t feel hindered to pursue my passion because of my depression, or by my demons, and neither should you. I am valued, and so are you.
Thank you for reading my story,
And know you are strong,
Griffen Harbolt
