“The Chalkboard” by Griffen Harbolt
Here is another piece of writing my friend Griffen Harbolt wrote in regards to when he spent a short time in the Harris County Psychiatric Hospital. This revolves around such time. It is a great piece with a great amount of truth that we can all relate to. Enjoy! Peace & Love- B
The Chalkboard
I enjoy using chalkboards. They’re valuable to me. Chalkboards are used in many ways, such as creating football plays, basketball plays, writing down thoughts, and many more. I typically use chalkboards to design football plays. I enjoy coming up with a play call, such as “Twins Right Weak Zac Omega Elvis.” That may not mean much to you, but I’m illustrating the creativity that the chalkboard enables me to do. I’ve also used the chalkboard to write down and process what’s on my mind. A chalkboard that the psychiatric hospital had was a key for me to start my healing process.
Throughout the five days I’ve spent in the psychiatric hospital, the most troubling I had occurred on the third day. First day consisted of sleeping majority of the day. The second day consisted of me meeting with my therapist that I was assigned to as well as sleeping. However, on the third day, I started writing reasons why I felt so down and reasons why I still wanted to live. Writing my thoughts on the chalkboard was a very emotional process, and I was hesitant at first because I didn’t want to relive through the emotional pain. However, this was a must needed crucial and first step that I needed to do. Writing on the chalkboard was helpful, but every time I remember the chalkboard, it reminds me of the demons that I’ve gone through and am still going through.
Shortly before Chester Bennington passed away in July 2017, he did an interview in which the website Genius also posted the quote. Chester responded to a question regarding to Linkin Park’s new song Battle Symphony. Chester stated, “…It’s an admission of me saying I’m not perfect. Life is messy, but you know what, I’ve got what it takes inside of me to pick up the pieces, put it back together, dust myself off and trudge forward.” Writing on the chalkboard proved that I do have what it takes to pick up the pieces, but it wasn’t easy. I wrote reasons why I wanted to die and why I wanted to live.
I wanted to die because I felt that I’ve consistently let people down. I felt that I let my parents down because I couldn’t go back to TLU (Texas Lutheran University). Other reasons why I felt I let my parents down was accumulating debt from school while also not achieving the expectations that I had set for myself. I felt that I was a failure to those who were close to me because I wasn’t always there for them. I also felt that I wasn’t worth anything to anyone because of my depression. I thought my parents would look at me differently. I felt I wasn’t worth anything to my friends because I let them down. I also felt that no woman wanted to be with someone who is depressed or who has autism or because of who I am. These may look like shitty reasons, but this was and still personal to me.
As I reflected and wrote the reasons what I wanted to die, I also wrote reasons I still wanted to live. I wanted (and still want) to reach my goal of being a pastor as well as helping people in any way I can. I also wanted to become a father and husband, and I also wrote one person’s name on the board, and it was Star.
Looking back at it, it was unfair of me to put her name on the chalkboard. Throughout the past couple of months, my therapist has consistently reminded me that I shouldn’t tie to things and people for my value. I need to recognize and remind myself that I am of value, and it starts with me.
I hate reflecting over the chalkboard because it reminds me of the pain that I’ve been through and still occasionally go through. However, I can’t ignore the chalkboard. More specifically, I can’t ignore the pain that I’m going through from what I’ve wrote. Like I did with the chalkboard, I need to continue to process situations, thoughts and emotions, even if it’s painful. I also need to remind myself why I’m still here and why I still want to be here. Why I’m starting over.
The meaning of the song Starting Over, which was made by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, is literally starting over and being okay with that. I’ve started over in January, and it still has been a continuous process. I need to remind myself that I am of value and not ignore my demons. I need to remind myself that I can put myself back together, that I am strong, and that I’m never alone.
Stay Strong and Amazing,
Griff
