“The Road So Far” by Griffen Harbolt
Hey friends and strangers (soon to be come friends hopefully haha) alike,
How are y’all? I hope all is well and everyone is pushing forward into the bright yellow hues of life rather than fighting and almost giving up in the dark blues of hard times. Keep pushing, striving, and trying. Swim for the brighter days. My friend Griffen who has written two blog posts for RTS before wrote another one recently which is what you are going to read today. I relate to it so much and have been where he has been many times before, yet I am where I am now and who I am because of it all- a better, brighter, more empathetic, social justice striving, kinder person because of it. I hope you enjoy his words and can find a bit of yourself in it.
Sincerely,
Bethany 💛
The Road So Far
Hello Everyone,
If you had followed my posts recently, I had mentioned that I was going to title this blog “Star”. However, I feel that it wasn’t the best title, considering that I am typing more details as to what has been going on as of late. The reason why I thought of labeling the blog as Star was not to write about who she is. She doesn’t want to be mentioned, and who can blame her? So far, my blogs have been very open, and I do my best to be honest as possible. However, I won’t ever mention her name unless she wants to. I haven’t spoken to her in quite some time, and I hope she’s okay. Don’t know when I’ll see her, or when I’ll talk to her. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I care about her, and I poured so much of myself to her, and yet, it went towards a negative direction. The negative direction was not talking to her, or being angry at her, but rather, pouring all of value, and my identity, to her. The road so far, as I have learned, I can’t place my own value into someone, or something. I have to recognize and continue to remind myself that I am of value, and that I am not defined by the things I do, or who I socialize with, or by my depression. I am more than any of those things. However, the road so far has been difficult, and I’ll tell you about it.
Since my last blog post occurred in October 19th, shit has happened, both positive and negative. The positives were that Celebration Lutheran Church now officially has Ordained PastorRyan Dockery. I, and many members of Celebration Lutheran Church, are excited to see where this goes. I also recently went to the Buzzfest Concert at the Woodlands Pavilion to see Mike Shinoda, and it was a fucking blast. My dad went with me to see Mike, and he had an amazing time as well. Mike Shinodaplayed my favorite songs, both from his single album, fort minor, and Linkin Park songs. Again, it was awesome. Those were the positives since my last blog post. The negatives, however, is something that I am still trying to get through and process. Last weekend, I had to attend my cousin’s funeral, which was unfortunate. He passed away at the age of 22. As I, and both friends and family who loved and knew Josh, I couldn’t help but think about myself during the funeral.
I know its self-centered, and the main focus should’ve been on Josh. However, being at his funeral brought back memories. Memories that I don’t want to think about, and those memories consist of my suicidal thoughts. Had I not received the help I needed back in January, I would’ve been gone. It hurts to imagine the amount of pain I would’ve caused had I died.
Another negative that I am currently dealing with is finding and forming connections. Its been difficult to maintain friendships, or even re-establish connections, because of how open I am. Being open has helped me tremendously this year, and I don’t regret about being open. I just didn’t realize how difficult it was going to be. I’ve been told by my close friends that if people only can’t look past your depression, and decide to cut you off, then they are missing out on getting to know you. I’ve been told that God puts people in my life (and others) for only a certain amount of time, or for only a couple of chapters. However, it is difficult for me to grasp that God does that. Theologically, if we argue that God is love, then how is God showing love if he/she causes relationships to falter, or why would it end in such emotional pain? That’s a battle that I am going through.
Speaking of battles, another one that I am going against is my depression. I have been going against my depression since I was 17, and I was beating it. However, it progressed in the fall of 2017, and it has been a piece of shit since then. Battling depression on my own is fucking difficult, and I know that I am not the only one battling depression, but this is personal. I often have a difficult time wrapping around why people want to get know when I am battling depression. At the same time, I want to people to know me, and I want to have friendships and a relationship, but yet, I am afraid that I’ll be cut off just because of my depression. I know logically if people don’t want to be around me, then that’s okay. However, emotion gets in the way. I feel at times that I am not worthy of friendship or love.
An example of this was when I was 16, and it was before I started my junior year of high school. During the summer, I would do my best to work out for the football program and stay in shape, as well as hanging out with friends. One day during the summer, I hung out with my best friend John (This August of 2019 will mark 7 years of friendship) at his neighborhood pool. I remember we came across these two individuals. I won’t mention their names because I didn’t ask their permission, so I am just gonna make names. Let’s say that John and I met H and A. A is H’s best friend, and they have known each other for most of their life time. It was the first time I met A, and I was struck in awe. I saw as this beautiful woman. I was really nervous on talking to her, but she broke the ice, and talked to me. Fast forward through the day, both H and A left, and I really had a huge crush, but I didn’t think I was ever going to see A again. Months later, I got her number from H, and I texted A. I didn’t know what to expect. Why would A want to talk to me? She hasn’t seen me in months.
However, we texted back and forth, and despite the distance (she lived outside of Houston), we continued to stay in touch. It got to a point where I really wanted to ask if she wanted to go on a date. However, I found out that A was already in a relationship, and I got angry. I was not angry at A, but rather, I was angry at myself. I thought that I wasn’t perfect. Looking back at it, I shouldn’t have gotten to emotionally attached, but yet, I really liked her. I still talk to A from time to time, and I hope I get to hang out with her sometime. I still like her, but not sure what will happen in the future.
From the story I told you, it is important to highlight when I typed “I wasn’t perfect”. I still think of that sometimes. Where I think that I am not perfect, or that I am worthy of friendship or love. That I am not valued by anyone, or that a woman would ever love for who I truly am, despite the baggage that I carry. Telling myself that I am valued has been a constant theme this past year. I need to consistently remind myself that I am valued. I can’t think of what others think of me, and I can’t pour so much of myself into people if they are not giving back either. I also need to be okay that some people don’t want to be around me. I need to remind myself that if I can’t connect or reconnect with people, I am valued anyway. That I have to keep trying, and that I will eventually find friendships that will last. That I will find someone who loves me for me and wants to be with me.
If you’re going through a difficult time, and feel that you are alone, remind yourself that you are not alone, and that you are always valued. Depression, or any other mental health issues, or situations, are always going to be difficult battle. I feel that depression will always be with me, and I need to remind myself that this will be a long battle. I also need to remind myself that I am not alone in this battle, and that I will eventually come out on top. I just need to keep grinding, because there is so much more to life than depression. Remember, if you’re going through a difficult time, you are not alone, and you’re going to overcome it. I’m a living example.
Linkin Park-The Messenger
When you feel you’re alone,
Cut off from this cruel world,
Your instincts telling you to run
Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They’ll sing to you, they’ll be your guide back home
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind, it keeps us kind
When you’ve suffered enough and your spirit is breaking
You’re growing desperate from the fight
Remember you’re loved and you always will be
This melody will bring you right back home
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
Continue to kick ass, and be you
Griff
